letters to my girlfriend

2005-09-05T12:56:00.000+01:00

just because i haven't written anything for two weeks it doesn't mean that i have nothing to say. i think it means that i have so much to say that i'm not sure where to start, so its easier to not start at all.

i have made you a book. you know how you would ask me to make you up a story sometimes, and it was invariably about the beautiful princess and her girlfriend? its kind of one of those ones. it was going around my head for a few days, and you weren't there to tell it to. so i wrote it down. then i decided that i wanted you to hear it, so i bought some gorgeous handmade paper and i've made you a little book.

i'm going to give it to you tonight, after we have sorted out the final pieces of shared things.

2005-08-25T19:51:00.000+01:00

well, i'm glad you came over, even though very little packing was done. even though a lot of crying was done.

its weird that you are the one that is finding this harder to handle, being as you're the one that ended it.

This might sound a bit harsh, but i'm actually glad that you are finding it so hard. i'm hoping that its making you tthink that you are making a terrible mistake.

2005-08-22T16:22:00.000+01:00

do you know, i had somehow managed to start thinking that the fact you hadn't been in touch last week was a good thing. because it was last week that you were supposed to come and pack up your stuff, ready for your move to the new flat.

and i had started to think that maybe, just maybe, you hadn't been to pack, because you didn't really want to move out.

that you had started to think that it was too final. a mistake. not for you.

and then i got your message today. and you're coming at the end of the week to pack.

i didn't think that i would prefer to not hear from you at all.

2005-08-18T13:36:00.000+01:00

i hate the fact that you have not been in touch at all this week.

in my head i am rationalising it as you're just trying to have space because its too hard otherwise.

i think its just too hard for me to believe that you don't want to speak to me. or see me. or just say hello.

i don't want you to forget me.

dreams

2005-08-16T10:08:00.000+01:00

you were in my dream last night.

it was weird, not least because you had started seeing soemone else. luckily (i think) it was someone io have never heard of. i woke up in a total panic. it was awful.

the most awful thing was the fact that in the dream you looked so happy when you spoke about her.

your eyes did that sparkly crinkly thing that they do when you're happy.

i've been awake about three hours now and its still pissing me off. i've even written down the name of the girl, in case i was having a premonition. how stupid is that?

i know that i want you to be happy, but i don't want you to be happy because you found someone else.

2005-08-14T08:08:00.000+01:00

i am starting to panic slightly about the fact that you're coming over this week to pack up your stuff. well, not panic, but i'm definitely starting to have some anxiety.

I thought i would be fine being here while you did it, but i don't know if that's such a good idea anymore. i have been trying to seperate the stuff out to make it easier for you. and easier for me - at least if i can see at a glance what is going to go, then i can more easily imagine it gone.

but imagining it gone is kind of an abstract thing - i think about the stuff not being there, but i try not to think about you not being there.

kisses

2005-08-13T16:39:00.000+01:00

i was thinking about kisses today.

specifically, i was thinking about the fact that during our relationship, when i knew that the only person i'd be kissing for the rest of my life was you, i sometimes wondered what it would be like to kiss other people. and i always thought that it wouldn't be the same, that the kisses i'd signed on for were the perfect kisses for me.

today i was thinking about the fact that i can kiss whoever i damn well want to. but, i don't want to.

kiss anyone else that is. because the perfect kisses for me are not on the lips of someone that isn't you. anyoneelse would be a disappointment.

how would they be able to know the exact way to kiss me? how would they know that there are so many ways to kiss me and that each one is exactly right when it comes from you?

i don't want anyone elses kisses

or lips

i want yours

self deluding?

2005-08-12T11:03:00.000+01:00

hey lovely

since you said all that stuff last week, i'm thinking even more that you'll come back. i don't know if thats just me living in hopes, or if that's me being self deluded.

i know that you were unhappy now, and i think i understand why. and its the understanding bit thats dangerous, because thats the bit that makes me think that you'll come back.

you say that you still love me. and you love our life. and you still are very attracted to me. but that you don't love you anymore. and can't see how you could when you were in this. so getting out is a way for you to find you again.

i hope that the real you still loves me. and will want me, us, back.

and you said that it wasn't fair for you to be in a relationship while you were sorting all your stuff out. and i understand that too.

i understand it, but i think you're wrong. the relationship could have supported you while you were doing this. you don't have to do it alone. i would have supported you to do it when we were together. i'll support you to do it now. its a hard thing to do, and you need someone in your corner. i want to be that someone. it seems like you want the someone to be me too.

i still miss you all the time.

xx

2005-08-11T11:01:00.000+01:00

even though you're not there beside me anymore, you're still the last thing that i see before i fall asleep, and the first thing when i wake up.

and your point is?

2005-08-10T10:20:00.000+01:00

my girlfriend dumped me four weeks ago.

i'm still in love with her.

this is a place where i can say all the things that i want to say to her.

at some point i may let her know about the site.

i may not.

but i hope it helps me anyway.